“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
You Might Also Like
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.