Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
You Might Also Like
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
You learn something every day
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Yes, but it was never about money
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
my favorite genre of twitter
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.