Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
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Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.