So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
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“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now