[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
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I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Your honor these allegations are
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
his wife is probably gonna see that
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.