wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
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Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
#winning
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick