I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??