Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10