me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations