Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
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Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Wise advice
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?