Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
You Might Also Like
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend