Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
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If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.