[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.