Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
A wise man once said nothing.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*