[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
You Might Also Like
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I am laughing way too hard at this.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.