Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.