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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Ferrari squats
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Close call…