[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
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Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]