I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
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She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women