Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
A roof is a house hat.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified