“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
You Might Also Like
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I’ve had relationships like this
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue