[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
You Might Also Like
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
What?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.