Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
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[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
how long have you had this for?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”