I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
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‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.