ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Cashiers are always checking me out
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
But that’s none of my business
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown