Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
DOOO EEEET
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children