GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
You Might Also Like
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭