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Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
accurate
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival