journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.