Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
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Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap