A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
work smarter, not harder
Finally! 😈
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute