It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in