Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
You Might Also Like
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
The news in a nutshell.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*