My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy