This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
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Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
nyc:
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.