assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My blood type is b hungry.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Blew my mind.