My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*