7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
me when the borders lift
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts