Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
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As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?