it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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translated into Canadian
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other