Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
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[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
A choir of Spring onions
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”