CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
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Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep