Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
kids play hide and seek like
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started