How all things should be taught/explained.
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
White Castle for the Win
you know what ruined my childhood? children
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.