*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
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“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister