imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over