Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
*lint rolls you awake*
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
A friend sent me this.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA