Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
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In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.