Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Happy Halloween 🎃
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!