ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
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My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I’m not average. I’m mean.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.